I Can't Fly

by Carnaby Bennett

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05:40

about

I checked, I can't.

This album is Sam D trying to condense his experiences thus far of being a twenty-something into something vaguely consumable. He wrote most of the words and did some synths, Maria and Sean did a verse each, Rob played guitar, and Paul did everything else (including make this at all possible).

Written ~2008-2018, recorded 2014-2018 in New Ash Green, Bromley, Tooting, and Cheltenham.

credits

released January 12, 2019

All music written and performed by Paul West and Sam D Grover, with (in order of appearance):

Rob Townley - guitar
Maria Ferguson - vocals
Sean Mahoney - vocals

Produced by Paul West at Awesome Source Music
www.facebook.com/Awesomesourcemusic/

Mastered by Peter Maher
www.petemaher.com

Cover art by Sam D Grover & Toby Hawkins
From "The Lament for Icarus" by James Herbert Draper

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about

Carnaby Bennett London, UK

Carnaby Bennett is Sam D Grover making music with Paul West. Sam D writes most of the words then speaks&sings them too, while Paul plays most of the instruments & produces the whole lot.

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Track Name: TMIH
Can I come back?
Can I?
Can I come back home?
I wanna walk in, and I want you to tell me I’m home
But I don’t know if that’s possible.
I’d be happy if you lied to me
Just tell me I’m home...
Track Name: Tincan
I looked for God in an old tin can
I found him in there and I told him my plan
Said, "I'm gonna build a tower that reaches the sky
And if you wanna stop me, well I'd like to see you try"

He thundered and raged
And he cursed my feet
Was angry for days
Maybe even a week
Said, "Son, don't you make me do something I'll regret"
Before he stormed away into a blood-red sunset
Before he stormed away into a blood-red sunset

I met a preacher, he was walking through town
Bible in his fist, his face wearing a frown
I asked him if he'd help me to build me tower,
Using earthly strength to challenge heaven's power

He thundered and raged
And he cursed my feet
Was angry for days
Maybe even a week
Said, "Son, don't you make me do something I'll regret"
Before he stormed away into a blood-red sunset
Before he stormed away into a blood-red sunset

I went to my father - I was looking for cash
He sat me down, said I was being a little rash
I told him what I thought, that he was a fool
Think that was the point that he lost his cool

He thundered and raged
And he cursed my feet
Was angry for days
Maybe even a week
Said, "Son, don't you make me do something I'll regret"
Before he stormed away into a blood-red sunset
Before he stormed away into a blood-red sunset

My tower has now crumbled, all my plans turned to dust
All the wood has rotted and the nails gone to rust
I looked for God in an old tin can
I told him my troubles, and he said, he said he understands

He opened the cage
And he washed my feet
We talked for days
Maybe even a week
Said, "son if you've not learned one lesson yet,
"Remember that I've loved you ever since we first met"

"Remember that I've loved you"
Track Name: Sweet the Sin
Vibrancy hides me
Come find me
We’re vibing
It might be a delight if it’s highly unlikely
Slightly unsightly
Conniving; indict me
I might be a riot
I might be unquiet
Never gonna be dead
Because I’m fed up and endless
Regretful instead
Like, how could I end this?
I find my convictions are easily tested
I'd rest if my best weren’t so easily bested

The tang
Of ashes
Distracts my attention
My affection is limited
My ego reflection
Flashes of memory
Totems of moments
Eloping with total eclipses and frozen
Stuck here in place
Lucky, fearful, and graced
Distracted by degrees of delightful disgrace
Never knowing where to begin
In times when I find
The bitter taste is slipping in

In every way
I never found it
In all of my days
I couldn’t have drowned it
The pauper who sings
I would have crowned him
Sweet the sin, bitter the taste

Violent inertia
Invades my fervour
And even if I could
I wouldn’t go further
‘Cause even / Stevens
Is strange way of being
A mismatch of meaning
I mean, how inhuman
To demand, to declare
I’m owed back what I give
When the odds are all stacked
Forgive and let live
Reset and renew
Relearn what you knew
Aim for insistence and break through

Elated
Mistaken
Retained
Underrated
Mislabelled
Berated
Disdained
Denigrated
Verbacious
Loquacious
Stainless
Blameless
Tainted
Restated
Vengeful
Dreadful
Tangibly handled
Feel like I’m rambling
Angling for restitution and forgiveness
When all I actually need right now is a witness
Yeah all I need is a witness

In every way
I never found it
In all of my days
I couldn’t have drowned it
The pauper who sings
I would have crowned him
Sweet the sin, bitter the taste

The world around
Brings me to task
I wouldn’t have tried
But you had to ask
I’ll wait in the wings
Wait for her to laugh
Sweet the sins
Bitter their taste

I want it now
I want it today
I wanted to cry
I wish you had stayed
You needed to hear
I wanted to say
Without you here
Nothing's the same
All I know has gone away
Sweet the sin
Bitter the taste
Track Name: Low
I'm a no-show
With a low-flow tempo like a robo oboe
Tooting out moot points
Soothing your rude joints like ointment,
I'm poignant,
Buoyant 'cause I'm flabby
And shabby
Happy fickle piccolo
Brittle in my ego tho, low self-esteem
Even in dreams I'm a bit-part
Which starts to go a bit far
'Cause I'm a big star
(In the back of my mind, at least)
Worshipped like Ishtar

Babylonian loneliness
Opens my stony throat
Releasing trombone moaning
That's only a stone's throw from owning me
Phoning home
There's no spaceship to retrieve me tho
Breathing like I'm heaving
Past believing
Seen beings of smoke and steam teem like larvae in a stagnant stream
Deemed unseemly by mean misdeeds
Dealing treated to steely gazes
Based on ancient pages
Traces of truth let loose
Chased by raging falsehoods and misfortune
Timing ever inopportune
I was born too soon to walk on the moon
I was born too soon

Nothing more than a handsome silhouette
Nothing left but all that I could get
Nothing found in me but what you left inside
No song in me but my last lullaby

You're not the only one that feels lost
You're not the only one punching holes into rock
Weighing up costs
Taking last shots
My knuckles are bleeding
And my heart won't stop beating
Too fast
I'm speaking in cliches
Dancing through the dark
I haven't been sleeping well lately
Meaning I don't
Meaning I can't
Meaning I'm getting drunk on coffee patrón
And the fact that I don't really know you
And that's nice

So just sing me a song that's brand new
Sing me a lullaby
'Cause I'm not even sure who I am any more
I keep saying I'm lost
And I'm scared
But I don't really know what it is that I'm scared of
I'm just searching for the stars from the stories, you know
The ones that can bring you back home

Nothing more than a handsome silhouette
Nothing left but all that I could get
Nothing found in me but what you left inside
No song in me but my last lullaby

I've been trying to spell Babylon in days
With footsteps
I eventually lose my way
0 turns into 8
Carbs turn into weight
Hard loses H
The only choice I get
Is how I wanna break
You can see it
The capitol's name written on my face
Night bus window reflections
Passing lampposts providing bloom and wilt

You hope the world knows us by our job interview handshake
But in actuality
Our legacy lives in the nods to the greengrocer
And the way the lady at Sainsbury's knows your brand of cigarettes
Whether or not you kick the booted football back into the school
Is how we turn our city of roadblocks into a Babylon too
Last night I was on the same road I turned the 0 to 8 on
Lost my way on
Broke the week after my month's wages came in
Same story
Fucked if you're not a Tory
But their thievery won't change my journey
The only way of saving me
Is by serving my streets

Nothing more than a handsome silhouette
Nothing left but all that I could get
Nothing found in me but what you left inside
No song in me but my last lullaby
Track Name: My Kinsman! My Redeemer!
I work your fields
For no more pay
Than the scraps that I find
Along the way
I might be a stranger, but do I seem strange to you?

I fled death, disease, and sickness,
Made an oath, that's true
I might be a stranger, but do I seem strange to you?

My father passed away
My mother couldn't stay
I followed my promise
And I came upon this place

My Kinsman! My Redeemer!
My Joyfulness! My Salvation from the Grave!
Though I was once a stranger, will you draw me close to you?
Though I was once a stranger, will you draw me close to you?

I'm shivering cold
Lying at your feet
Will you leave me here?
Will you share your heat?
I may be a stranger, but do I seem strange to you?

Will you stake your claim?
Will you give me your name?
Do you still view me a stranger?
Does my strangeness bring you shame?

My Kinsman! My Redeemer!
My Joyfulness! My Salvation from the Grave!
Now, I might have been stranger but you drew me close to you
Now, am I to you a stranger that you keep me far from you?
Will you draw me close to you?
Now, I might have been a stranger...
Track Name: Deep Rest
Deep ration
Deep Russian
Deep region
Deep rest

Devalued
Disbanded
Denatured
Depressed

Divulged
Dynamo
Diana
Detest

Die vulgar
Die happy
Die cast
Die gepreßte

Davidic
Da Vinci
Da capo

Denial
Defile
Derail

Distort
Disdain
Distance

Deep rest
Die gepreßte
Depressed.
Track Name: Evel Knievel
Some strange script keeps telling me
That a freed up mind is a felony
That with one I'll fail
My enemies
Say a brain wrapped in chains is an amenity
An attractive alluring quality
Drawing in both the poor and the royalty
Drawing in both the poor, and

I’m trading curses for purpose
While nurses turn worthless, but happy
The last mile
From the turnstile
Was lit with hearses,
Empty, corpseless, redundant
An abundance of lack
Each utterance and buggerance
Bringing armaments to bear.
Unfair sharing, dread of snaring
Too little or too much -
Balancing, as such -
But the tightrope is fraying
Progression is lost, so keen are we on staying

Some strange script keeps telling me...

And I’m feigning laughter and after
When I'd rather
Take a bath to get cleanly
The past tense of past offence
Has me reach towards rafters
Stretching higher for escape now,
Rattling the cage now
Need freedom and release, now
‘Cause I've realised lately that
Days gone have changed me
Rarely do things phase me
Where before they'd bemuse
My mind's grown tank-like through years of bad news

Some strange script keeps telling me...

And I'm racing Evel Knievel
Up the steeple
As the people look onwards
The darkness at the heart of this
Means I get no sleep –
Who'll be my paranoia in my downtime?
No straight lines from here
We're in fear
When hearing that those dear,
Near and precious to us have changed
No longer needing to be like us
They'll fight us where before they'd cower...
How relationships change when we ain't in power

Some strange script keeps telling me
That a freed up mind is a felony
That with one I'll fail
My enemies
Say a brain wrapped in chains is an amenity
An attractive alluring quality
Drawing in both the poor and the royalty
Drawing in both the poor, and

Some strange script keeps telling me
A freed up mind is a felony
That with one I'll fail
My enemies
Say a brain wrapped in chains is an amenity
An attractive alluring quality
Drawing in both the poor and the royalty
Drawing in both the poor, and the royalty
Drawing in both the poor, and the royalty

And some strange script keeps telling me and telling me
And some strange script keeps telling me and telling me
They're hemming me with everything they're telling me
Regret and errors are their heavy weaponry
And some strange script keeps
Telling me and
Telling me and
Telling me and
Telling me.
Track Name: Tailspin
Caught up in a tailspin
Can’t fly in the state I’m in
These clipped wings have got me thinking:
I can’t fly

Caught up in a tailspin
Can’t fly in the state I’m in
These clipped wings have got me thinking:
I can’t fly

Caught up in a tailspin
(These fears have got me spinning around)
Can’t fly with clipped wings
Something wrong with the state I’m in;
(These fears have got me tethered to the ground)
I can’t fly

Caught up in a
(Tailspin)
Caught up in a tailspin
(Tailspin, lost control, I'm in a)
I'm in a
(Tailspin)
Tailspin

(Fears got me spinnin)
I can't fly
(Fears got me spinnin)
I can't fly
(Fears got me spinnin)
I can't

They might be unfounded
But these fears keep me grounded
As they grow
This weightlessness brings to bear
Thoughts I wouldn't deign to share
You know

Caught up in a tailspin
(These fears have got me spinning around)
Can’t fly in the state I'm in
These clipped wings have got me thinking:
(These fears have got me tethered to the ground)
I can’t fly

Caught up in a tailspin
(Tailspin)
Can’t fly in the state I’m in
(Tailspin, lost control, I'm in a)
These clipped wings have got me thinking:
(Tailspin)
I can’t fly

Caught up in a tailspin
Can’t fly in the state I’m in
These clipped wings have got me thinking:
I can’t fly

Caught up in a tailspin
Can't fly with clipped wings
Something wrong with the state I'm in;
I can't fly

Caught up in a...
Track Name: Mud Stone Flowers
Your cries rip and tear me
This rusty trap of yours
Ensnares me
I cannot budge; I fear I'd lose you
So I stick around...

I'm silent and my silence offends
No longer offering the wisdom on which you've come to depend
I'm so sorry love, but I can no longer assist…
But I will stick around.

Cowering, I see you
Floundering, I hear you
You quake, drown
Overthink, sink
Flail and fail and
Cry out

And you know full well why I don't answer.

You holler, yell
Grasp tight, beg, plead
And prostrate...

But you know full well that I can’t answer.

Six-packed, cold and bitter
So little to do but lay back as you witter
I stick around...

Once denigrated I'm degrading
Much like you with your emotional self-satiating
And, again, no, I cannot assist
But yeah, I will stick around,

With you knowing full well why I don't answer.

Cowering, you cry out
You holler and yell - I hear you
You overthink, sink, I stink
You prostrate, I rot
In this grave.

So yeah, you do know full well why I don't answer.

We've no future, you and I.
Go home.
Let me sleep
Among the mud, the stone, and the flowers.
Track Name: Sinister Air
Places that once seemed so regular
Take on a sinister air...

I look into your eyes
And you remind me of the old you,
And even though I've known you for years…
I don't really know you.
I wish you looked less like you used to,
Cos if you looked less like the you I was used to
You'd look less threatening,
Be less unsettling.
Your sinister visage
Is chilling me.

Fault me for being skittish if you have to -
But the simple little fact is that I don't know you.
Maybe it's on me,
But this sinister air is choking,
Apprehension filling my lungs.
Should I forget the old face
And focus on the strange one?

Fight the urge to run, run
anyway cos I’m done
My home is now a place
That I’m feeling forced to shun
They say you can't go back
That this battle can't be won
Cos once you've shot a bullet
It won't go back inside the gun

Places that once seemed so
Regular
Take on a sinister air
Faces that once let you
Know you were home
Have strangeness now in their stare

I'm lost in my mind and
I can't tell which parts are me

Just co-ordinates and references,
Not a street you used to live for.
Maybe I've just been gone too long
That I don't know what I'm here for -
Nothing's like it was anymore
And no-one likes it or wants it anymore,
It's just decrepit,
Got too easy to forget it.
Just a sinister village,
Not a community.

Call me apocalyptic if you have to,
Ignore me if you want to,
But what I came here for
Ain't here anymore.
Now, this strange place is drowning me,
I've lost what's even me –
Is it so irrational to fear a death at sea?

Fight the urge to run, run
anyway cos I’m done
My home is now a place
That I’m feeling forced to shun
They say you can't go back
That this battle can't be won
Cos once you've shot a bullet
It won't go back inside the gun

Places that once seemed so
Regular
Take on a sinister air
Faces that once let you
Know you were home
Have strangeness now in their stare

I'm lost in my mind and
I can't tell which parts are me
(Why can't I be me?)
Men that once told me to grow old
Have all drowned now in the sea.

Why can’t they come back home?
Why can’t we be left alone?

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